COPING WITH SLANDERS & TOXIC GOSSIPS

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Shame Seen Through The Yin-Yang Perspectives

Yin-Yang Concept Offers An Unconventional Perspective of Toxic Shame

Yin-Yang Concept Offers An Unconventional Perspective of Toxic Shame

The Yin and Yang concept of Chinese philosophy will throw a lot of light on our understanding of the complex psychological subject of deep shame.  I have realized that the `Yin’ and `Yang’ philosophy can play an important role in managing our problem of toxic shame. The author, Bob Flaws, in his book `Chinese Medicine Cures- Insomnia’, believes that “Yin and Yang are the cornerstones for understanding, diagnosing and treating the body and mind in Chinese medicine…. Originally, yin referred to the shady side of a hill and yang to the sunny side of the hill. Since sunshine and shade are two interdependent sides of a single reality, these two aspects of the hill are seen as part of a single whole.”

 Why not look at our deep shame in terms of yin and yang?

From a creativity perspective, yin refers to the shady and dark shadows of our emotional and mental world. This is a subterranean region of our psyches that has not seen the light for a long time and many of our secrets and unrevealed sins have been buried in this dark dungeon. The more secrets we have buried in our minds, the more shame we will display.

In other words, shame like yin, is to be found in the dark regions of our souls where no light is allowed to shine there. By sharing and revealing our secrets to our close friends or support groups, we will allow more yang or light to come into our souls thereby dispelling the darkness of shame. That is why in the Catholic Church, many psychologists believe that the confession of sins is a healthy therapeutic religious practice that is healing the sickness of the souls. Similarly, in AA meetings, alcoholic addicts are strongly encouraged to share their secrets and shame with their support groups.

The very practice of sharing and revealing secrets and shameful mistakes are actually allowing more Yang into our souls to restore a healthy balance to the predominance of Yin in our emotional worlds.

 Join a support group like the AA if you want to be healed of your toxic shame. 

 Food For Thought

 Our perception of ourselves and all the world around us may appear static at any given point and yet it can alter considerably over time. It is often only this shift in perspective rather than any change in circumstance that ultimately makes the difference between being happy and being unhappy.

 Vera Peiffer (`Inner Happiness’)

 Submitted by Philosaiki Hung


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Toxic Gossips & Slanders Pollute The Society Robbing It of Love, Joy, Inner Peace, Tolerance, & Inter-Personal Harmony

 

God's Unconditiona Love Is Available To All Humans Regardless of whether They are Sinners Or Saints, Good or Bad, Rich or Poor, Ugly or Beautiful.

God's Unconditiona Love Is Available To All Humans Regardless of whether They are Sinners Or Saints, Good or Bad, Rich or Poor, Ugly or Beautiful.

According to this Chinese parable, a Chinese peasant by the name of  Zheng Shen left his village to seek his fortune overseas. He bade goodbye to his mother and left his home reluctantly. A few months later, a criminal with the exactly the same name committed murder and rape in a nearby village. The rumour of this horrible crime spread to Zheng Shen’s village. Without his knowledge, poor Zheng Shen’s name was dragged through the mud and was soiled.

 A family friend of Zheng Shen heard about the rumour and relayed the horrible news to his mother who was cooking in the kitchen. At first, Zheng Shen’s mother laughed at the ridiculous story. She refused to believe that her son would commit such terrible crimes.

A short while later, a second villager rushed into her kitchen and repeated the rumour. By this time, the poor old woman was trembling with some unknown fear. The rumour was spreading very fast. Before she could finish her cooking, the third villager came to the kitchen scolded her for having such a son! By this time, however, the poor woman, gripped by panic and deep shame, ran away even though she really believe in her son’s innocence.

What can we learn about rumours and gossips from this simple anecdote? Gossips spread fast and they become more distorted, more exaggerated and uglier as more people are involved in the reconstruction of the story in their own minds.

This story shows us that when rumours repeated often enough, they become credible and assume the form of `realities’ in other people’s minds.

Thoughts To Ponder

`To bear ill-feelings towards someone else is more damaging to the bearer than the recipient. For your own sake, forgive quickly and freely.’

                                                                                               Paul Wilson 

Rumors and vicious gossips were acceptable in the conventional society to eliminate the bad elements from their society. But in the world of today, with the internet, gossips and slanders can spread to all corners of the world in a matter of split seconds. What many people, including the do-gooders don’t realize is that such gossips will inevitably damage the society and the world in which all of us live. Why? Simply because gossips and slanders breed intolerance, hatred, resentment, unforgiveness, and self-righteousness in great abundance. How can any society, however morally  righteous it may be, flourish and grow in peace and harmony? Those horrible toxic feelings simply pollute and damage  the environment in which we breathe and live. They simply  undermine the laws because they operate in the dark in utmost secrecy. No one, including the self-righteous, will be exempt from the psychological, social  and emotional pollution.

Sooner or later, they will fall prey to the crimes of the so-called offenders who are constantly afflicted by toxic gossips on a daily basis. These fallen human beings have nowhere to go and no place to hide or live where they can be secured.

They are marginalized by vicious gossips and slanders so badly that they become social lepers hated and ostracized by their society. So what do they do? They have nothing to lose. They are like wounded animals that are cornered. We all know what happen if you confront  the cornered animals. They will fight back ferociously with demonic powers!

They become much more dangerous than before. They are driven to temporary insanity by the daily gossips and toxic shame that do not leave them in peace.

Hence, the phenomenal increase in crime rates of all kinds. Now we know that the so-called healthy members of a society that uses toxic gossips, slanders and shame to punish its fallen members will eventually suffer the same fate of insecurity, all kinds of fears, crimes to life and property,  hate, revenge, intolerance and other toxic emotions. Love and compassion simply wither in such a toxic environment.

Submitted by Philosaiki U Hung.


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THE FOLLY OF JUDGING OTHER VULNERABLE PEOPLE IN ANGUISH & IN THE PROCESS OF BECOMING!

Water Sculpture- At best, any human is merely another fallen drop of water, polluted & flawed during the fall from the sky!

Water Sculpture- At best, any human is merely another fallen drop of water, polluted & flawed during the fall from the sky!

The cold stares of self-righteous people  are calculated to demean you and instill a sense of self-condemnation into you. This is what psychologists call `downward comparison’  to make them feel better as human beings in our harsh world where every person is struggling and fighting for a better self-esteem.

Some try to improve their self-esteem  by positive proactive acts of compassion and love.  But some do it by projecting their negative traits onto other people to make themselves look better. They mask their flaws by their denials and indulge in gossips and slanders.

How sad! We don’t blame them because they don’t even know what they are doing.

Their worlds are their illusions of good and evil. They forget that in our human conditions, the best of us have some black dots and the worst of us have some white space in the midst of the black dots. But to be blind to this truth encourages us to see the world of human beings in terms of absolute black and absolute white. They see life in terms of only two extreme ends of the broad spectrum of life. They cannot see the vast spectrum in between that consists of varying degrees of whitish, gray, grayish, and blackish values. The way we evaluate and judge others depend very much on our own perceptions. There are 6 billion human beings, 6 billion perceptions and 6 billion judges!

Who is right and who is wrong? Who is good and who is evil?

Jesus is right when he declares that only God is good.

All human beings suffer from the human conditions and all of us are in the process of becoming good. Some are slower than others but to be intolerant of the slower pace of others and condemn them of their lack of goodness is dangerous. Because God is the ultimate judge and to judge others harshly is to impose the same strict criteria of judgment onto ourselves by God.

Food For Thought

 Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall.

Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.

Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, pure until the sun goes down.

And this is all that life really means.

 Louis Stevenson

Submitted by Philosaiki U-Hung

 

 

 

 

 


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DEEP SHAME IS USUALLY COMPLICATED BY DEPRESSION

Inflicting Any Person With Deep Shame with Vicious Gossips Is Like Soul-Murder

Inflicting Any Person With Deep Shame with Vicious Gossips Is Like Soul-Murder

`The most important things in life are the thoughts you choose to think,’

Marcus Aurelius.

 A person suffering from deep shame often also suffers from depression. The two seem to go together. Deep shame, being a master negative emotion, is capable of bringing down the whole mental structure. This negative emotion is insidious and works like termites eating their way stealthily and rapidly whatever is positive in our minds.

Once afflicted with deep shame, we tend to believe that we have suffered a massive catastrophe. Then we begin to believe that this catastrophe has engulfed our lives and has become an integral part of our lives.

One who is engulfed by deep shame is usually the one who bears his or her anguish or intense torments silently. The shamed victim has to bear his or her heavy burdens alone with no one to share the pain. He simply cannot speak to another soul about his toxic shame. His situation is like a deep gloomy dungeon without any window or ventilation. The victim is more often than not suffocated by despair embedded with hopelessness and helplessness. To make things worse, there are very few counselors who are well-trained to tackle complicated shame-based problems.

 If the victim has been the target of a vicious gossip or false slander, he or she has no recourse to the legal system to protect his/her name. Even if one can sue the slanderer to clear one’s name in court, the society usually chooses to believe the gossips and perpetuate the toxic prejudice for a long time. Then depression sets in like a bear hug and shuts down the light at the end of the tunnel. Once the victim is severely depressed, it is like a car with a flat battery. His / her energy is depleted with very little reserve to cope with any emergency.

 In the words of J. Oswald Sanders, `The mind of man is the battleground on which every moral and spiritual battle is fought.’ However, in the mind of the slander victim, he or she usually fights a losing battle. That is the tragic negative impact of vicious gossips and slanders.

 Under such dire circumstances, one must entrust one’s life in God’s hands depending on His mercies and compassion. Reflect constantly on His unconditional Love to jumpstart your spirit and be aware that ultimately you really have a choice to change your attitude or perception towards yourself and your problems.

 Thoughts To Ponder

 Trusting life comes from making some meaning of who we are and what we are all about. When we confront shame, we become aware of emptiness, a spiritual hunger. Our attempts to fill this hunger with controlling, compulsive behaviors only lead to pain and remorse.

Merle A. Fossum & Marilyn J. Mason – `Facing Shame: Families in Recovery’


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VICIOUS GOSSIPS CAN TRIGGER PREJUDICES & DEEP SHAME

 

Don't Let Your Heart Be Disturbed by Gossips!

Don't Let Your Heart Be Disturbed by Gossips!

`Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow.

The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.’

 Abraham Lincoln

Most people have been the target of gossips in one form or another in the course of their lives. It is a matter of the amount of toxic content of the gossips and slanders. What is more important is to what extent the victim allows the gossips to affect and transform his or her life. One must be aware of the distinction between nature of the gossips and their impact on one’s life and mental health. By their very nature, most gossips will go away and they are to be regarded as a form of illusion. However their negative impact is real and permanent if one allows the gossips to destroy their mental health and their peace of mind.

To be trapped in the midst of an insidious messy gossip campaign is a frightening thing and it can easily trigger a deep sense of helplessness. One’s initial reactions would be to do a self-examination to match other people’s body language and stares. The unfortunate thing about gossips is that some of us have a strong tendency to judge ourselves more harshly than the mistake merits. That means we tend to exaggerate our past mistakes and blow things out of proportion. Such a person will tend to be a much harsher judge on himself or herself than the world out there. In this way, the person who is more vulnerable and sensitive will be hurt much more than an insensitive person.

On the other hand, there are some people who may try to deny their mistakes and minimize the significance of their mistakes. Such people will probably suffer less emotional hurt at the hand of the gossipers.

The negative impact on the victim depends greatly on the personality make-up and coping skills of each individual. An awareness of the situation you are in is important. Try to see your mistake as well as the gossips in the proper perspective.

Food for Thought-

Be Yourself. Accept yourself as you are.

Whatever anyone may do or say, I must be an emerald and keep my color,”

Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor & philosopher

Submitted by Philosaiki